Evolution of how I thought my life would go

I’ve never had a good conception of how my life was going to turn out. Whatever I thought was going to happen never really happened. When I was in high school I couldn’t even fathom the idea of getting married. It was blurry and fuzzy and very far off. I just assumed that at some point around senior year of college I’d meet this crazy hot blonde girl who could never get enough sex and we’d ride off in a convertible with our amazing jobs and unique style of interacting that others around us always commented on. “You two have such amazing chemistry. You’re so perfect for each other!” Well, we don’t want to be arrogant or anything, but…we know. My little sugar princess.

Then I remember graduating from college and the first couple years after going to weddings of people that met in school. I was a little jealous of them but at the same time I was like “Really? You guys are calling it quits on what’s out there already?” And it’s funny because I still kind of feel the same way even though I’m 35.

All the time you hear people say “I’m too old for that.” And the people saying this are invariably in their twenties and thirties. You’re not too old for things in your twenties and thirties! You’ll never be this young again. However old you are today, you’ll never be this young again. That’s important. A lot of people just glaze over about what they’re supposed to be doing when they hit their mid twenties. I got a job, I got a wife or a husband, I got a house. And Dancing With The Stars comes on at nine. I’m not saying all those milestones and achievements aren’t important. I’m just saying they shouldn’t be perceived as a checklist and when the checklist is complete it’s okay to sit back and say “Well I’m done learning and growing and exploring now. I’ve done my time.” Just because society only expects you to go to school for a certain number of years doesn’t mean when that regimen is complete you just throw in the towel on pushing yourself to grow and develop.

Because look we’re all going to be dead in 60-70 years, maybe less. People are afraid of existentialism because it seems to lead to despondency. But I think it imbues life with a much greater sense of urgency and beauty. If you’re unsure if a better life exists after this one it makes sense that you would pour all of your energy and passion into making this life the best it can be. I think it’s important to create a sense of meaning for yourself in your life and to never be content and to always be restless. Think of all the thousands of years of history and the dead people it yielded that had their time here and will never have it again. Don’t we owe it to them to make sure we are trying to figure out why we’re here? And since we’ll always fall short of that goal we should still push to create the best reality we can. And always be thinking about how to create a better reality.

Anyway, every time I couldn’t figure out how my life would turn out it always ends up being good in a different way. I don’t have a wife or children but in return I am blessed with time to pursue things that are meaningful and substantial. Not that I couldn’t if I had kids, but I definitely would have less time to do those things if I had kids. I know for a fact that I’ll never be exposed to more than one percent of the ideas and information that I’d like to be. It’s impossible. The world is too large and contains too much information and history for any one person to grasp more than a miniscule amount of its content and meaning.

I’m sure I’m fucking something up right now. There are things I should be doing that I’m not doing and whatever I focus on now takes time away from focusing on other things that may be more important. So later in life I’ll look back and think “I should have worked more on X” or “I should have spent more time with Y.” But those regrets and the inability to change the past will always exist no matter what choices you make.