Saturday, October 17, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Married couples
It’s always a little weird hanging out with married couples. They have this long, tortured history between them that you don’t know about. And then you somehow accidentally stumble into one of their relationship sore spots without realizing it.
I’m like “I’m the oldest of four children actually.” To which the wife will respond “Four children? Must be nice. I’d settle for one.” Husband: “One would be nice if we could afford it but we can’t.” Wife: “We can afford it, he just doesn’t want to move to the suburbs and be away from his pot dealer.”
Um, do you guys mind if I get out of here? I'm just going to find the closest bar.
Growing up as the oldest of four kids was cool but I feel like I’ve already raised 3 kids. My ex wanted to have kids and I didn’t so I went to talk to a therapist to make sure it wasn’t because I’m fucked up. The therapist told me I shouldn’t have had to spend my youth taking care of children and to go out and act youthful today to make up for it. So let me get this straight—you’re telling me to blow off marriage, get drunk a lot, and screw random girls? That is the kind of mental healthiness I can commit to Doc.
I’m like “I’m the oldest of four children actually.” To which the wife will respond “Four children? Must be nice. I’d settle for one.” Husband: “One would be nice if we could afford it but we can’t.” Wife: “We can afford it, he just doesn’t want to move to the suburbs and be away from his pot dealer.”
Um, do you guys mind if I get out of here? I'm just going to find the closest bar.
Growing up as the oldest of four kids was cool but I feel like I’ve already raised 3 kids. My ex wanted to have kids and I didn’t so I went to talk to a therapist to make sure it wasn’t because I’m fucked up. The therapist told me I shouldn’t have had to spend my youth taking care of children and to go out and act youthful today to make up for it. So let me get this straight—you’re telling me to blow off marriage, get drunk a lot, and screw random girls? That is the kind of mental healthiness I can commit to Doc.
Joke ideas
Little medley of ideas. Not sure they have legs but will probably try a few.
• Ever notice how you suddenly lose respect for the program you’re watching when you’re about to turn off the TV? You’re watching the news and they’re like “Police reports indicate that” (Click) “Nobody gives a shit.”
• Like going out to eat since I never cook and don’t know how to. I don’t like when they list every single ingredient in every single dish on the menu. Look obviously I don’t understand that shit that’s why I’m here.” I don’t know what the fuck shallot or shallow is. Some big special onion or some shit.
• Some girls are knowledgeable about sports and that’s awesome. But the funny ones are the ones that don’t know anything about sports. Those are the girls you should talk to. According to my friend Kat, there are two levels of football-college football and regular.
Only compliment people in a robot voice.
• Ever notice how you suddenly lose respect for the program you’re watching when you’re about to turn off the TV? You’re watching the news and they’re like “Police reports indicate that” (Click) “Nobody gives a shit.”
• Like going out to eat since I never cook and don’t know how to. I don’t like when they list every single ingredient in every single dish on the menu. Look obviously I don’t understand that shit that’s why I’m here.” I don’t know what the fuck shallot or shallow is. Some big special onion or some shit.
• Some girls are knowledgeable about sports and that’s awesome. But the funny ones are the ones that don’t know anything about sports. Those are the girls you should talk to. According to my friend Kat, there are two levels of football-college football and regular.
Only compliment people in a robot voice.
Straight girls chasing gay guys
There are few things more entertaining than watching straight girls futilely chase gay guys. You can see this one coming from a mile away at a straight bar. The dance floor has formed a circle around one amazing dancer. This guy is smooth, he’s fluid, he’s wearing a vest, he’s got 21 Jump Street gloves on. And the straight girl he’s with is trying to get pregnant just by looking at him.
Then we move to Stage 2. Another gay man enters the bar and makes a beeline for her gay friend. Now she has to stand there and watch their amazing chemistry, the chemistry she hoped would one day be her own. I’m just waiting for her friend to turn to her and say “What part of ‘I have gloves on’ didn’t you understand?”
Then we move to Stage 2. Another gay man enters the bar and makes a beeline for her gay friend. Now she has to stand there and watch their amazing chemistry, the chemistry she hoped would one day be her own. I’m just waiting for her friend to turn to her and say “What part of ‘I have gloves on’ didn’t you understand?”
Women
Here’s the problem I have. I meet a girl. She’s nice, funny, pretty. I kind of like her. We get along. Then time and a bit of ennui kick in and I end up meeting a few of her friends. This is also the time when things start going south. Liking The Friend. If you meet a woman and there is some level of perceived interest by both parties the man must NEVER at that point start to like any of her friends. You chase the original girl or you risk breaching the rules. But hey, I don’t think this is fair! Just because you meet a particular person before you meet another particular person doesn’t mean you can only have a romantic liaison with the first person. Right?
I know what I am writing is futile. It doesn’t matter. It only matters what the women in question think about the situation. Which is usually along the lines of “I thought you liked me, asshole.” Or alternately “I thought you liked my friend, asshole.” Or “Neither one of us can remember your name and are frightened you wrote a blog post about us, asshole.” All of these sentences share a common noun denominator.
I’m not suggesting the Roommate Swap. You obviously can’t date one girl and then try to date her friend. (I was going to type “score her friend” but that’s just misogynistic and should only be spoken aloud, not typed.) I’m simply suggesting there is nothing wrong with thinking “This girl seems great but after further review her friend might be a better match for me.” Not that her friend is better or prettier or a greater prize--hear the important distinction I’m making here, girls? We can all agree with my sound, sensitive, and convincing logic.
This is actually one of the more entertaining aspects of heterosexual dating. What guys want in their heads versus what girls will actually allow. And don’t kid yourself—the girls are running the show. Maybe there’s a relatively small pool of attractive men that girls cede power to on account of hotness but overall the women are running the casino. You can’t beat the house. (Skipping the insensitive, crass joke here. Take note, hot friend!)
To review, if you and I are still in the Friend Zone I should be allowed to like your friend. Without repercussions. Unless we’ve made out. Which, let’s face it—we haven’t. So until that time all bets are off.
Please? Can all bets be off? No? Can I at least graze your friend's hip in casual conversation then? Would that be allowed?
I know what I am writing is futile. It doesn’t matter. It only matters what the women in question think about the situation. Which is usually along the lines of “I thought you liked me, asshole.” Or alternately “I thought you liked my friend, asshole.” Or “Neither one of us can remember your name and are frightened you wrote a blog post about us, asshole.” All of these sentences share a common noun denominator.
I’m not suggesting the Roommate Swap. You obviously can’t date one girl and then try to date her friend. (I was going to type “score her friend” but that’s just misogynistic and should only be spoken aloud, not typed.) I’m simply suggesting there is nothing wrong with thinking “This girl seems great but after further review her friend might be a better match for me.” Not that her friend is better or prettier or a greater prize--hear the important distinction I’m making here, girls? We can all agree with my sound, sensitive, and convincing logic.
This is actually one of the more entertaining aspects of heterosexual dating. What guys want in their heads versus what girls will actually allow. And don’t kid yourself—the girls are running the show. Maybe there’s a relatively small pool of attractive men that girls cede power to on account of hotness but overall the women are running the casino. You can’t beat the house. (Skipping the insensitive, crass joke here. Take note, hot friend!)
To review, if you and I are still in the Friend Zone I should be allowed to like your friend. Without repercussions. Unless we’ve made out. Which, let’s face it—we haven’t. So until that time all bets are off.
Please? Can all bets be off? No? Can I at least graze your friend's hip in casual conversation then? Would that be allowed?
The Browns
It’s tough being a Browns fan. Even when the Browns win the story line is usually something like “Well, the Browns won today but they played really awful and everyone is in agreement that they still suck.”
Drinking
People obviously drink for a lot of reasons. Such as to socialize or speed along death. One advantage of drinking is that it tends to slow the world down a bit. Normally you can try to think about five things at once. When you’re drunk, sometimes the most you can hope for is to keep up in the conversation you’re having. Drinking lowers inhibitions but it also justifies being a little more dumb than you usually are. I’m holding my drink, I’m talking to this person, and I want to have sex with them. That’s when active listening really kicks in. Focusing on what someone else is saying can also help keep you from blacking out.
Although I guess you could make the contrary argument that alcohol decreases your ability to focus and really listen to what someone is saying. And we all know who makes those kind of arguments. Sober killjoys that aren’t getting laid. I’m not getting laid either. That’s not the point here. I don’t see why this has to be about my sexual prowess all of a sudden. No one’s asking you to read this Mr. I Have Sex Four Times A Day.
Although I guess you could make the contrary argument that alcohol decreases your ability to focus and really listen to what someone is saying. And we all know who makes those kind of arguments. Sober killjoys that aren’t getting laid. I’m not getting laid either. That’s not the point here. I don’t see why this has to be about my sexual prowess all of a sudden. No one’s asking you to read this Mr. I Have Sex Four Times A Day.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
First time I stole something
I really enjoy shoplifting. Well, I did. All you have to do is walk into the Sports Authority and then stick the Lakers shorts in the front of the shorts you’re wearing and then walk out all smooth like. The key is to act like nothing bad is going down. It’s just your average, run of the mill 15 year old spending 10 minutes in Sports Authority and walking out with a big clump by his stomach. I didn’t get caught though.
Then one time at the mall I stole a Hurricanes’ hat. I bought other stuff thus confusing the store employees. This guy clearly isn’t shoplifting, he bought something. But look, there! On the bottom of my bag! You guys didn’t ring that one up. $15 down the drain suckers.
I only stole a few things as a teenager. Later I shifted into a much more subtle mode that banked on people perceiving me as a responsible adult. All you do for this method is stick your 12 pack of Mountain Dew in the bottom rack of the grocery cart and then forget that it’s there. You didn’t steal—you just forgot to ring something up. Even if you get busted you can attribute it to absent mindedness. No 34 year old man would steal soda would he? Oh yes, he would. It keeps him alive.
Then one time at the mall I stole a Hurricanes’ hat. I bought other stuff thus confusing the store employees. This guy clearly isn’t shoplifting, he bought something. But look, there! On the bottom of my bag! You guys didn’t ring that one up. $15 down the drain suckers.
I only stole a few things as a teenager. Later I shifted into a much more subtle mode that banked on people perceiving me as a responsible adult. All you do for this method is stick your 12 pack of Mountain Dew in the bottom rack of the grocery cart and then forget that it’s there. You didn’t steal—you just forgot to ring something up. Even if you get busted you can attribute it to absent mindedness. No 34 year old man would steal soda would he? Oh yes, he would. It keeps him alive.
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