How Disney World works

Here’s how Disney World got to be so popular. You get married. Then you’re like “Uh what are we going to do?” “I don’t know. Let’s watch TV.” So then you watch TV together and you get fat. Then you’re like “Now what?” “I don’t know, let’s fuck.” So then you fuck and then you have kids.

Then the kids are sitting in the living room bored. How do you entertain them? Same way you entertained yourself. Turn on the TV and watch this Disney shit. Then the kids get fat too. Then the kids are like “Disney World looks awesome! I want to go there!” So you gather up your fat family and you take them to Disney World. Then when you get there you’re like “Holy shit this is really cool but we have to walk everywhere! This sucks!” And that’s why Disney World is crammed with thousands of fat families complaining about all the walking and dying to get back to their hotel room to watch TV.

Baseball

I like baseball because it's the only major sport where there's a distinct chance a cat may run onto the field at any time.

Toothbrush

I spent the night at a girl’s house once and asked her if she had a toothbrush I could borrow. She handed me one and said “Don’t worry, it’s only been used once.” I never buy that.

Women

If I've learned anything about women, it's that I like to think about women. And observe them. Including their bodies. What I've observed is that I don't do well with all women. Or most. What I do well with are women that are bored. If you've got nothing else to do and you've been stirring your drink while staring at the wall for the past 20 minutes--That's where I shine. Hey there, stranger. Mind if I sit a spell?

As long as you're not a total dickbag most girls don't mind talking to you if they're at the end of their rope. Now, Johnny, now.

Trip Called Off On Account Of Gayness

Religion

Blasphemy warning!

I don't believe in any particular religion. This stance, while dangerous for my purported soul, allows me a great vantage point from which to observe and analyze religious practices without being influenced by their heart tugging messages.

When you step back from it all, you start to see how religions seek power and sway over groups of people. Most coat their underlying commandeering tone with notions of altruism, self worth, and self enhancement. And who doesn't like those concepts?

But as a mainly disinterested religious anthropologist, I really enjoy coming across examples of how religious people used to speak a long time ago. Not specific Bible verses--I'm referring to how these people viewed the world and its inhabitants. They latched onto a particular lens of reality and then used that lens as a hammer against anything they didn't like or that frightened them. Anything that challenged their group's dominance and rightful place in the world.

Some of this is certainly warranted. Groups of people want to be safe and have land on which to raise their families and eke out a living. Nothing wrong with that. But when the power grab goes beyond self protection and assertion, that's when things get interesting. And funny.

I recently read an article about Hawaii's history. Hawaiian Mormons apparently really do not like the Catholic church. Specifically, they describe the Catholic church as the Whore of Babylon. The Whore of Babylon! What a fantastically overwrought and mean spirited thing to say. I love it.

I don't love it because I dislike the Catholic church. I love it because of its unabashed piss and vinegar and its aspirational qualities. Think of the power inherent in such a proclamation. Not only is your group of people wrong in your beliefs but your group is the Whore of Babylon.

What does that even mean? There's still a place called Babylon? And when you go there it has a whore? And the whore is an entire church? Who is sleeping with this whore? Not Mormons I hope! Because if you're a Mormon Babylonian and you go out and get a hooker and your wife finds out you fucked the Whore of Babylon, man is there going to be hell to pay. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even Whores of Other Cities.

It's so ridiculous. This idea that your group of people is a whore and my group of people is going to heaven. How could any Catholic ever respect or engage with Hawaiian Mormons? This blanket statement eliminates dialogue and understanding. It's similar to Iran saying Israel should be wiped off the map. It's just a preposterous, unwarranted, selfish thing to say. It's an unvarnished power grab.

I'm not just picking on Hawaiian Mormons. Most all religions have some version of this. We have the right way to heaven. Yours is inferior. How convenient. What a great way to set up a life for yourself that you can rest assured is the best route to happiness here and eternal paradise afterwards. I'm surprised an advertising agency didn't come up with the concept of "eternal paradise." I'm sure they would have had they existed thousands of years ago. Heady stuff.

Why stress yourself with doubt and uncertainty? Let a man bestowed with religious authority come up with weekly lessons on how to live when things get cloudy and stressful. Because without religion guiding your ship you'd be left to figure life out on your own. You'd have to come to terms with death and illness and tragedy without a great big pretty story to make it all palatable. You'd be forced to develop mental strength on your own. Independently.

But hey, if things get lonely out there on your own I know this really hot slut up in Babylon.

Crack Den's First Female Member Implements Feng Shui, New Household Living Rules

Goals

While debating a cute bartender on whether or not it's possible for tater tots to fuel an uncontrollable rage a friend and I started talking about Life Goals. Which made me realize my Life Goals for the next year are pretty ridiculous. And by ridiculous I mean awesome.

1. Just try to spend a lot of time drinking and looking around
2. Find fun sports games to play and win by a lot
3. Come up with joke ideas and ecards that everyone in America will love and pay money for
4. Try to develop a comedy career while simultaneously not giving a shit and doing it just for the fun of it
5. Find new bars and restaurants to talk to people in
6. Meet a bunch of chicks
7. Check out some movies and TV shows
8. Walk around New York and think "This is pretty tight."

Seems reasonable. Oh, tack on something about charity if you must. You know, the kind of thing where an event organizer tells you proceeds go to a worthy cause and you're like "Yeah, that's cool. This is open bar, right?"

Man Conducts Five Simultaneous Leisure Activities In Failed Bid To Stave Off Loneliness

Airborne Woman Scolds Child For Being Child

Man Stops Being Total Dickbag For Seven Minutes

Stand Up Video

Three months later I've conned a friend into getting a stand up performance I did onto YouTube. It was a two minute performance at the American Comedy Institute "graduation" ceremony. Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbdEOuRWQ3g

Blog Title

You like that don't you? Entertaining strangers with words. That's a good phrase. I got it off of the back of a book called "And Here's The Kicker" where one dude interviews a bunch of comedy writers about why they're successful and why people reading the book suck.

We'll have to find some other use for "Sorcery Among The Populace." Maybe a New England witch cult can revive it. By the way I'm not in favor of children joining witch cults if that's what you were thinking.