www.pettheories.com

Yeah, pet theories. I think pet theories are rad man. Think about it. All the ridiculous and reasonable ideas people have about how people work. Like how to get girls into bed or other ones I can't think of right now. Even cliches like "What comes around goes around." Who decided this was wise and universally true? These kinds of things usually comes up 4 or 5 drinks in at the bar.

Anyway, I'd like to start collecting these and then assemble them on a website as soon as someone shows me how to do a website.

Damnit! Someone has kind of done this already! Okay well I'm throwing my full weight behind this:

www.unsubstantiatedtheories.com

I still think my site would be cooler. It would be more about social pet theories rather than space and colors and bullshit like that.

Headed back Stateside

You know what I hate? I hate when people who have lived in the U.S. their whole lives leave the country for a couple weeks and then they start telling people how they’re headed back to “The States.” You know what, screw you. It’s not The States to you, it’s where you fucking live asshole. Yes that was harsh and yes it was warranted.

Greatest job in the world

It’s tough to find a job you like. You’re always wondering if there’s something better out there. But then you hear something like what I like to call the greatest actual headline ever:

'Best job in the world' winner stung by dangerous jellyfish

Congratulations. You won the best job in the world. And then you got stung by a dangerous jellyfish. I’ve never been stung by anything at my work and it’s not even in the Top 100 jobs.

Why being single is great whenever I can see through the tears

So now I’ve been single for um like a lot of years. And I gotta tell you being single is great. It genuinely is. Breakups are difficult and you don't think you can move on and live life without her or without a girlfriend in general. But now I feel like I’ve gotten to a much healthier place and I truly enjoy being single and when the prospect of a girlfriend comes up I think “This sounds like it will fuck up my fun.”

I read a story recently about a train conductor that got in trouble because every time he’d drive through a town in New Jersey he’d toot his horn when he passed by a certain girl’s house. She’d run outside and wave and he’d toot it again. I realized that’s about the level of intimacy I’m looking for. I drive through your town, toot my horn a few times, and then you come outside and wave, maybe show me your tits, and then I continue on to the next town. That I can handle.

Exes

Did we become Facebook friends after we dated? Yes. Do I look through her pictures? Yes. Do I look at her husband’s head and imagine my head there? Yes. Do I end up licking his head on the screen? Yes.

Boredom in the Lone Star state

How many times has this actually been said in Texas: “Hey man, are we just going to sit here all night or are we going to go to the rodeo?”

Why do women love psychics and horoscopes so much?

I don't have an answer for this. I'm just wondering. I guess you could extend my question to ask why humans try so hard to know the unknowable and claim to know the unknowable in such certain terms. But on a more basic level, knowing facts about a girl's horoscope sign can help you get laid.

Weather.com

Some of these websites—they just throw up so much crazy, unrelated information all on one screen. I was on Weather.com this week and the big story is a 22 year old dying in an icy river. That sucks, just tragic. Then right next to that there’s a big headline: “Cold weather experiments—try one!”


Hey guys--being outside in the cold is fun!

Being a Browns fan

When the Browns make the playoffs, which is rarely, it’s usually some situation where a lot of things have to happen for them to get in. The Colts have to beat the Bengals, Pittsburgh has to lose or tie, and the moon has to turn into blood.