Women

Here’s the problem I have. I meet a girl. She’s nice, funny, pretty. I kind of like her. We get along. Then time and a bit of ennui kick in and I end up meeting a few of her friends. This is also the time when things start going south. Liking The Friend. If you meet a woman and there is some level of perceived interest by both parties the man must NEVER at that point start to like any of her friends. You chase the original girl or you risk breaching the rules. But hey, I don’t think this is fair! Just because you meet a particular person before you meet another particular person doesn’t mean you can only have a romantic liaison with the first person. Right?

I know what I am writing is futile. It doesn’t matter. It only matters what the women in question think about the situation. Which is usually along the lines of “I thought you liked me, asshole.” Or alternately “I thought you liked my friend, asshole.” Or “Neither one of us can remember your name and are frightened you wrote a blog post about us, asshole.” All of these sentences share a common noun denominator.

I’m not suggesting the Roommate Swap. You obviously can’t date one girl and then try to date her friend. (I was going to type “score her friend” but that’s just misogynistic and should only be spoken aloud, not typed.) I’m simply suggesting there is nothing wrong with thinking “This girl seems great but after further review her friend might be a better match for me.” Not that her friend is better or prettier or a greater prize--hear the important distinction I’m making here, girls? We can all agree with my sound, sensitive, and convincing logic.

This is actually one of the more entertaining aspects of heterosexual dating. What guys want in their heads versus what girls will actually allow. And don’t kid yourself—the girls are running the show. Maybe there’s a relatively small pool of attractive men that girls cede power to on account of hotness but overall the women are running the casino. You can’t beat the house. (Skipping the insensitive, crass joke here. Take note, hot friend!)

To review, if you and I are still in the Friend Zone I should be allowed to like your friend. Without repercussions. Unless we’ve made out. Which, let’s face it—we haven’t. So until that time all bets are off.

Please? Can all bets be off? No? Can I at least graze your friend's hip in casual conversation then? Would that be allowed?