First time I stole something

I really enjoy shoplifting. Well, I did. All you have to do is walk into the Sports Authority and then stick the Lakers shorts in the front of the shorts you’re wearing and then walk out all smooth like. The key is to act like nothing bad is going down. It’s just your average, run of the mill 15 year old spending 10 minutes in Sports Authority and walking out with a big clump by his stomach. I didn’t get caught though.

Then one time at the mall I stole a Hurricanes’ hat. I bought other stuff thus confusing the store employees. This guy clearly isn’t shoplifting, he bought something. But look, there! On the bottom of my bag! You guys didn’t ring that one up. $15 down the drain suckers.

I only stole a few things as a teenager. Later I shifted into a much more subtle mode that banked on people perceiving me as a responsible adult. All you do for this method is stick your 12 pack of Mountain Dew in the bottom rack of the grocery cart and then forget that it’s there. You didn’t steal—you just forgot to ring something up. Even if you get busted you can attribute it to absent mindedness. No 34 year old man would steal soda would he? Oh yes, he would. It keeps him alive.