Married couples

It’s always a little weird hanging out with married couples. They have this long, tortured history between them that you don’t know about. And then you somehow accidentally stumble into one of their relationship sore spots without realizing it.

I’m like “I’m the oldest of four children actually.” To which the wife will respond “Four children? Must be nice. I’d settle for one.” Husband: “One would be nice if we could afford it but we can’t.” Wife: “We can afford it, he just doesn’t want to move to the suburbs and be away from his pot dealer.”

Um, do you guys mind if I get out of here? I'm just going to find the closest bar.

Growing up as the oldest of four kids was cool but I feel like I’ve already raised 3 kids. My ex wanted to have kids and I didn’t so I went to talk to a therapist to make sure it wasn’t because I’m fucked up. The therapist told me I shouldn’t have had to spend my youth taking care of children and to go out and act youthful today to make up for it. So let me get this straight—you’re telling me to blow off marriage, get drunk a lot, and screw random girls? That is the kind of mental healthiness I can commit to Doc.