Striking out at a couples resort

My friend Ally put together an August trip to Jamaica a few months ago. It's difficult to think of anything more depressing than traveling for vacation alone yet as a single person it can be hard to corral several people to go to the particular destination you're interested in at the particular time you can go. So I was glad someone else did the dirty work of organizing and comparing rates and all that time consuming, maddening activity that detracts from getting through Season 3 of Mad Men or rushing home from a bar to watch Jersey Shore.

As it turned out the trip involved five single guys and a couple. It was supposed to be four single guys and two couples but a break up just before the trip left us with the trip organizer as the only girl in attendance. The break up didn't bother me as I was glad to have another person along also not getting laid. But actually we weren't really worried about that, seeing as how we were going to be getting mad tail at the all inclusive, drinks are free 24/7 resort waiting for us in Ocho Rios. It means eight rivers or some shit like that. No one cares what it means. It's a place with a beach.

What we didn't quite think through well enough, though, is the fact that most people aren't going to book a trip to the Caribbean without having an active sex partner tagging along. I vaguely considered this potential stick in the spokes but felt confident that a few extremely intoxicated women “trapped” on an island would be more than willing to force my roommate to sleep in the lobby or out on a deck chair somewhere. If either of us had the opportunity to bring a girl back to our room it was understood the other would bury themselves in sand for the night or find some way to suffer through till morning hit and the bedded down woman awoke to consider her all inclusive walk of shame and whether or not the dalliance would be repeated. It was just a matter of using our charm to show the girls why they should be interested in extremely drunk men sharing a hotel room.

Well they weren't. The brilliantly beautiful daylight hours seemed to carry with them an unwritten code not to hit on women while they sunned themselves and desperately avoided thoughts of work. Exerting effort to fend off awkward advances would have strayed dangerously close to work territory. So we gathered piecemeal bits of sexual intelligence while pretending to read and shared them amongst ourselves, hoping to turn raw, uninformed data into a late night make out session with a well timed and strategically informed advance later that evening.

That might have worked a little better if the entertainment at the resort hadn't surpassed our understanding of how bad live entertainment can be. But once a show that drags on for two hours starts to suck, it has the auxillary effect of stifling the sociability and libido of every audience members in attendance. Except the kids. The kids do not give a shit. They just want to see balloons pop.

I've seen this slow crowd death happen in stand up and it most certainly happens at a resort where 250 captive audience members aren't quite certain what to make of what's happening on stage. “Alright, they started dancing (badly) to that song but then they left the stage a minute in. Why did that happen? Then after the song ended the lights came back on and there was no music and nothing happened for five minutes. Did someone fall ill backstage? Is the show over? Is this an unannounced intermission?” It's one thing to not enjoy a play or a movie. It's another to remain in a state of confusion for two hours and feel your emotions cycle from amusement to scorn to bemused detachment to wholehearted despair.

I can understand how three pairs of dancers missed every possible chance at successful choreography during every song they performed every night while all the while carrying an air that they're taking a well needed pause from sizzling careers on Broadway. I understand they don't have the training they need and we're the assholes for forcing poor people to dance for us. I'm always impressed with anyone brave enough to act or dance on stage. I don't fault them as individuals and as someone who tries his best to entertain crowds I know how tough it can be. But niceties aside, the politely constrained sense of confusion that quickly settled over the crowd each evening during these performances really hampered my game. That's what we're going with for now.

The other thing is that if you only have three single girls in a crowd of 250 people that means you've really got to play your cards right. If they shoot you down your only remaining option is to steal a girl from her boyfriend. The same guy she's sharing a hotel room with and most likely has had sex with in the past 12 hours. That's not going to happen.

Well, it could. What if the guy was being a total dick and she couldn't take it anymore and so he leaves the resort three days early, summoning the next available Chinese manufactured tour bus back to the airport? Now his hot girlfriend is all alone, stifling tears and determined to have a good time anyway. Just to spite him, the fucker. See now we've got a hot girl with an ax to grind and a suddenly lonely hotel room to fill. Just a matter of time before that scenario falls together. Years maybe, but it could happen. Alright, but you don't have to be a dick about it.

So no one got laid. But that's okay. We weren't there to get laid. We were there to relax, have a great time with friends, and take a break from our achievement oriented lifestyles for a while. But mainly to get laid.