Fandom. Almost rhymes with bantam.

Intense fandom over time seems to depurify what it is that made you a fan in the first place. You love a certain singer for whatever basic response they elicited in you but then that high goes away. So then you read about their background to feel closer to them. That intimacy feels nice for awhile. Sooner or later it becomes less about admiring talent and more about the fact that this person you’ll likely never meet is important to you. Why are they so important though? What does it mean if you really love an artist? At some point the connection requires more and more intricacy and work. You take pictures, but then the pictures aren’t good enough. You compare opinions with other fans and see who took the best pictures. Well, my picture was good but it wasn’t the best. If I was a better fan I would have gotten closer to the stage. In conclusion, music fans are crazy.

Graffiti

Have you guys noticed the graffiti that’s on the subway tunnel walls when you’re between stations? What insane person is going down there and doing this? Is someone just standing at the end of the platform with his buddy and he says “Fuck it man. We’re going in that pitch black tunnel that a train could enter any second and we’re spray painting drawings of our dicks. You in?”

www.pettheories.com

Yeah, pet theories. I think pet theories are rad man. Think about it. All the ridiculous and reasonable ideas people have about how people work. Like how to get girls into bed or other ones I can't think of right now. Even cliches like "What comes around goes around." Who decided this was wise and universally true? These kinds of things usually comes up 4 or 5 drinks in at the bar.

Anyway, I'd like to start collecting these and then assemble them on a website as soon as someone shows me how to do a website.

Damnit! Someone has kind of done this already! Okay well I'm throwing my full weight behind this:

www.unsubstantiatedtheories.com

I still think my site would be cooler. It would be more about social pet theories rather than space and colors and bullshit like that.

Headed back Stateside

You know what I hate? I hate when people who have lived in the U.S. their whole lives leave the country for a couple weeks and then they start telling people how they’re headed back to “The States.” You know what, screw you. It’s not The States to you, it’s where you fucking live asshole. Yes that was harsh and yes it was warranted.

Greatest job in the world

It’s tough to find a job you like. You’re always wondering if there’s something better out there. But then you hear something like what I like to call the greatest actual headline ever:

'Best job in the world' winner stung by dangerous jellyfish

Congratulations. You won the best job in the world. And then you got stung by a dangerous jellyfish. I’ve never been stung by anything at my work and it’s not even in the Top 100 jobs.

Why being single is great whenever I can see through the tears

So now I’ve been single for um like a lot of years. And I gotta tell you being single is great. It genuinely is. Breakups are difficult and you don't think you can move on and live life without her or without a girlfriend in general. But now I feel like I’ve gotten to a much healthier place and I truly enjoy being single and when the prospect of a girlfriend comes up I think “This sounds like it will fuck up my fun.”

I read a story recently about a train conductor that got in trouble because every time he’d drive through a town in New Jersey he’d toot his horn when he passed by a certain girl’s house. She’d run outside and wave and he’d toot it again. I realized that’s about the level of intimacy I’m looking for. I drive through your town, toot my horn a few times, and then you come outside and wave, maybe show me your tits, and then I continue on to the next town. That I can handle.

Exes

Did we become Facebook friends after we dated? Yes. Do I look through her pictures? Yes. Do I look at her husband’s head and imagine my head there? Yes. Do I end up licking his head on the screen? Yes.