You think you know someone. You spend more night in his arms than any woman's. Night after night he tells you a couple jokes, makes fun of himself enough to be endearing, and gives you a giggle. And then one morning you wake up and he's...he's gone. He just up and left, something big came up in LA, he couldn't turn it down. Now, just when things were so good, so right. Somehow over the course of years you let your guard down and let him in. It's hard to forget when he first arrived. Those days still make me smile. I was wary, shy, confused. He's not like the others I've had. He's so silly. Will it last with all these antics? Would he stop being so nervous around me already? I'm not going to bite you. I just want to laugh with you. And then he did it. He made me laugh. He did some things I'll never forget, that much is sure. His little voices and bits, they were different, they were new, they were weird. He was encouraging weird. Encouraging risk. Encouraging self consciousness. It was exciting. It was exhilarating, frankly.
Once my guard was down I started to admire him. I looked forward to what he'd think up next. It became inspiring. Instead of cringing I was leaning forward. I was embracing him.
And then over time, I don't know how to explain it even. It just happened. He became important. A friend. Someone I could trust. I could sometimes understand what he was about to say by looking at his face. Just like with any good lover.
So when LA came up I tried to put it out of my mind. Maybe if I don't think about it won't happen. But New York was so him. New York was a party his best friend threw where everyone knew him and wanted to hang out. What was so great about the new life in LA, and where would it leave us?
But you know what, after awhile I got excited about his new adventure. Hell, maybe it is like they say. If you love someone, let them go.
Those days are gone now. He's been in LA for what seems like an eternity and well, I'm holding up alright. I try not to think about it too much, what we had. Who knows, maybe we still have it and we're just not in the same city anymore. Maybe he shaped me, molded me in ways that prepared me to be on my own in ways I don't even understand. Oh god, here I go again. I've got to start keeping it under control. Maybe the new Conan will be just as good as the old. But deep down, I'll always miss that one. Guess I'm sentimental like that.
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as gay as this post is, i really do feel like NYC is a different place without him.
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